Match Making Mayhem
by Comedyfanatic
Summary: What happens when Nightshade and Sasoku try to become match makers? Nothing good, that's for sure. Sasoku swears his revenge on a coffee vending machine while Nightshade shows people cruel harsh reality. Fear this fan fic.
1. Welcome to Reality

Match-Making Mayhem

Nightshade: Yo. Me and Sasoku have considered a career in match-making. Mainly because we get payed a lot. Today we have a hopelessly deformed wierdo with us...Sakura!

Sakura: Hey! No fair!

Nightshade: So what seems to be your problem?

Sakura: Well, I'm afraid that because of my imperfect forehead, Sasuke will despise me. What should I do?

Nightshade: Shove a bag over your head fag!

Sakura: Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! (Runs away crying)

Sasoku: We suck at this job.

Nightshade: And proud of it. Now, here is Ino. What's your problem? I mean, you're messed up enough already...

Ino: Well, I can't seem to get Sasuke. I don't know what it is...I've got the looks, the hair...even the tissue filled b-

Nightshade: Let's not go there. Have you ever considered that he hates you?

Ino: Why would he? I've got everything he could want...

Sasoku: Ummmm...Ino? Ino? Ino?!

Ino: (sighs) fantasy type stuff

Sasuke: Oh Ino...your forehead is so perfect. Your beauty unthinkable...I love you...

Ino: And I love you too Sasuke-kun...(slow music)

Nightshade: INO! (Socks Ino to Saturn and back)

Ino: Huh? Oh I was having the most wonderful dream...

Sasoku: I'd rather not hear about it. We've discussed your problem and we think it's because your stupid and generally unacceptable. Good day.

Ino: I will win Sasuke-kun's heart! Just you wait! (Slams door)

Nightshade: What a jackass. Next is...Hinata?

Hinata: Ummm...my problem is that I can't win Naruto-kun's affection. I think it may be because I'm so shy...

Nightshade: Then what are you here for?! You know your problem! Deal with it!

Hinata: But I need tips on what to do...

Sasoku: Have you ever tried ignoring him? Pretending like you don't care?

Hinata: Why would I do that?

Sasoku: Sometimes idiots are attracted to ignorance. Kinda stupid though.

Hinata: I'll try it...thank you... (walks out door)

Nightshade: Did you put the "I'm stupid so kiss me" sign on her back?

Sasoku: Just like you told me too. What a laugh.

Outside...

Hinata: (walks down hallway looking ignorant) OMG it's Naruto-kun! Act natural...pretend not to notice...

Naruto: Hahahahahaha!

Hinata: Salvage the pride...

Back inside...

Nightshade: I never thought I'd see you here Sasuke. What do you want?

Sasuke: I have this sudden attraction to this telephone pole outside but it-

Sasoku: Next!

Rock Lee: I am in love with Sakura-chan! Please tell me how to win her heart!

Nightshade: Have you ever considered clipping your eyebrows and ditching those stupid squirrels?

Rock Lee: But...that's like telling me to kill my fuzzy friends...I couldn't do that to them...

Sasoku: Is talking about his eyebrows or the squirrels?

Nightshade: Both I think. Ahem...well, love has a price.

Rock Lee: Really? Then Sakura-chan will fall in love with me for that simple adjustment?

Nightshade: Maybe... But talking about prices, you owe me one hundred fifty bucks.

Rock Lee: I will gladly pay you for your helpfulness! (Pays and walks out door)

Sasoku: What a dumb ass.

**Outside...**

Rock Lee: I am sorry my fuzzy friends, but you must go!

Squirrels: (all their little cute faces morph into evil rabid glares)

Rock Lee: No...No! Please!!! Gaaaah!!!

After quite a few slashes, head cracks and bone snaps, the little demons left.

Inside...

Sasoku: So...wanna get some coffee?

Nightshade: Sure. But isn't the cofffequick vending machine out of order?

Sasoku: Nah...let's go.

**Outside..._Again_**

Nightshade: You got change on you?

Sasoku: Yeah...but not much.

Nightshade: I can fix that. Freeze! (Points fold-able pocket machine gun at old lady)

Lady: Hiya! (Hits Nightshade's nuts with purse)

Nightshade: I'm always prepared! I'm wearing a stainless steel cup! (Steals two quarters from purse full of loot) We're good now.

Sasoku: A stainless steel cup?

Nightshade: Yeah...I don't actually know why I'm wearing it.

Sasoku: Whatever. Let's just get the fricken coffee. (Puts in money)

Vending machine: error...you will not get your money back...

Sasoku: WTF?!

Kakuza: I have just learned how to rig vending machines!

Sasoku: (grabs Kakuza's collar) Give...me...my...Coffee!

Nightshade: He gets angry without caffeine. It's some sorts disease...

Sasoku: Ahhh...now I can get my creamy coffee... (coffee gets stuck in vending machine) OMGWTF! Fricken machine!

Nightshade: Sasoku...what are you...?

Sasoku: (reaches into vending machine) Almost...got it...(arm falls off) ...Crap.

Nightshade: C'mon. We've got hopeless idiots to put down.

Sasoku: I will have my revenge against you coffeequick...I shall have revenge!

Back inside office...

Naruto: Weeeee! (Is swinging from ceiling fan)

Hinata: Just act cool...just act cool...

Sasuke: Telephone pole...I crave your roughness... (hugs telephone pole) I also crave the splinters you give me...

Temari: (giggling) hee hee...stop it Shikamaru...no tickling...

Nightshade: (walks in) What the...?

Sasoku: It was the coffeequick that did this...the coffeequick!

Temari: Ummmmm...we heard there was a party here...

Nightshade: (cracks knuckles)

Sasoku: (takes out sword which is too heavy to carry with one hand causing it to fall to the floor) Nuts...

Nightshade: Everyone out!

Hinata: Just be cool...

Naruto: Hinata? You haven't said anything to me today...is something wrong?

Hinata: Just be cool... No, nothing's wrong. I'm fine. (Walks away)

Nightshade: (takes out branding iron) I thought I said EVERYONE OUT!

Everyone: Eeeeeep!

Shikamaru: Man, and I was just starting to have fun...what a drag.

Sasoku: My life sucks... no coffee, no blender and nuclear weapons haven't been invented yet...sigh...

Nightshade: Everyone's got problems...and of all people **I've **got to deal with them...

**Nightshade's Corner**

Nightshade: I wonder who will be our next victim I mean pupil...hard to say.

Sasoku: My coffee! You stupid machine! (Shoves stick in machine causing it to explode) Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeesssss! Coffee! Victory is mine! (Grabs coffee which slips out of his hand) ...darn it!

Nightshade: Join us next time for...uh...Sasoku?

Sasoku: Die! (Hits machine with chainsaw) Review this story! You wouldn't want to end up like Mr. Coffeequick, would you?!


	2. Randomness Reins Supreme

Match Making Mayhem

Nightshade: Now that I forced those idiots out of here, me and Sasoku shall be continuing our useless attempts to make people feel better. Next is Kakashi. What seems to be your problem?

Kakashi: Well, you see, whenever I'm late for training the real reason for that is that I'm with Kurenai. But I think she may be dating Asuma behind my back. How do I win her over?

Nightshade: It's things like this that make me hate this job. Well, you could always just tell her what you think. She might admire honesty in a man.

Kakashi: So I should tell her that I think she's a-

Sasoku: You know, I really don't like the path this conversation is going down. Let's stay age appropriate, shall we?

Kakashi: Okay. But with me reading this make out violence book, it's hard to stay within this age range. So all I have to do is tell her what I think, right? Easy! (Walks out)

Sasoku: What a-

Nightshade: Follow your own advice for once, and stay age appropriate.

Sasoku: Right. Next is...Sheshruke?

Sheshruke: Psst. Is this the European drug dealer? I need some...oh snap. Hey Nightshade, Sasoku.

Nightshade: Dude, what are you doing here?

Sheshruke: I dunno...I thought I was in Europe.

Sasoku: Then hit the dusty trail man.

Sheshruke: Well, long as I'm here I may as well ask you guys something. I'm a bit unlucky in love at this point.

Nightshade: Gee, I wonder why that is.

Sheshruke: Shut up. It goes like this. The other day I saw this girl. She was carrying bacon. Now how can I tell the bacon my tru feelings about it?

Sasoku: Your kidding right?

Sheshruke: Dude, bacon is like a god. And it's not everyday you come across female bacon.

Nightshade: Marrying bacon is like marrying a girl pig. Man, were is your sense of decency?

Sheshruke: I barely know the meaning of that word. I gotta go to the bathroom. Be right back. (Walks out)

Two seconds later...

Random Girl: Eeeeeek! (Slapping noises) pig!

Sasoku: It's a little known fact that Sheshruke gets lost wherever he goes.

Sheshruke: (walks in looking like rag doll) You know, I think they should make a bathroom dedicated to me so I don't end up in the girl's room all the time.

Sasoku: Well anyway, next is Shino.

Shino: ...I love this dung beetle, but I don't think she loves me back.

Everyone: 0o

Shino: What? (Suddenly one of Shino's bugs gets a little to close to the lamp...)

Bug: (is set on fire) Aiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii! I'm melting...melting!

Shino: Noooooooooo! My friend! I will have my revenge! (Kicks lamp and throws it out the window) There, my work is done.

Nightshade: Okayyyyyy...we now have an exclusive interview with Orochimaru himself! Like we care.

Orochimaru: Yes, yes thank you. I'm glad to be here. I have something I'd like to confess...I did my own plastic surgery!

Nightshade: Gasp!

Sasoku: Gasp!

Shino: Gasp! (Inhales bug) Nooooo! Steve! Why did you have to go?!

Sheshruke: (is lighting cigar) What? Oh...gasp!

Orochimaru: Yes, I did a fantastic job...I love myself.

Nightshade: That is the stupidest thing I ever heard! Get out!

Orochimaru: (puppy eyes)

Sasoku: Get out now! (Kicks Orochimaru out window)

Nightshade: Thank goodness that's over with. Now we'll be- Shino?

Shino: (is wearing all black mourning over two tiny grave stones)

Sheshruke: (looks at grave stone) In loving memory of my good friends, Steve and Bob, two loyal bugs. Damn the lamp that killed them. Touching...just touching.

Nightshade: Next up is George Bush.

George Bush: Yes, I have a problem.

Nightshade: And not just one buddy.

George Bush: I'm in love with my nuclear weapons but they never respond when I tell them my feelings. What should I do?

Nightshade: I'd help you if it weren't for one thing; I'm a democrat. (Takes out fold-able pocket machine gun)

Several not to pretty M rated minutes later...

Sasoku: Man, the garbage dude is gonna have his work cut out for him. Say is that...? (presses face to window) Yes, it is! It's a new coffee machine! The Hyper Helper! (Jumps out window in pursuit of Hyper Helper)

Nightshade: Anyway, we will now- what the?!

Orochimaru: I have just climbed all the way up the side of this building so that I can-

Nightshade: Fall out of the window again? (Pushes Orochimaru out the window) There is only power, and those to weak to seek it.

Sheshruke: Dude, that's plagiarism! Darth Vader said that!

Nightshade: Yeah, but George Lucas never copyrighted it.

Naruto: Hi everyone! Me and the gang came to do the pink umbrella dance! (Comes in carrying pink umbrella) Pink...pink umbrellas! They bring joy on rainy days! Pink...oh so pink! (Music keeps playing in backround)

Nightshade: (slaps head) Man is this stupid.

Sheshruke: (dancing with pink umbrella) Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Nightshade: (eye twitches) Good lord no.

Sasoku: I did it! (Holds up pot of coffee) I have obtained that which I crave! (Hugs coffee) Coffeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee...(pot breams spilling coffee in his lap) Eeeeeeeeeeeeee...(high pitched voice) Damn it...the painnnnn...

Nightshade: Oh lord. This can't be good.

Naruto: Now that we have finished our pink umbrella dance, we will now sing an ode to ramen. Ahem...ramen ramen, it tastes so good. I like it with miso. It is the best food. Instant and cup, I've tried 'em all, after I eat to much I spin and fall. Thank you.

Nightshade: Ok then. Let me just clear this up... (whacks Naruto and friends into next Tuesday)

Sasoku: You know, I think Sheshruke should take over for me for a while. I've got to go to the hospital for a few hours.

Nightshade: Right. Next is Kinzu.

Kinzu: (walks in with U.I.G.(unidentified un-introduced girl)

Nightshade: Look out Kinzu! There's a girl behind you! (Takes out machine gun)

Girl: (poofs into thin air and reappears behind Nightshade with coffee) Take this! (Pours coffee on Nightshade's head)

Nightshade: This is not my day.

Kinzu: I see you've met my girlfriend, Kyorusa.

Kyorusa: Pleased to meet you. (Holds out hand to Nightshade)

Nightshade: I think I'll skip introductions, as I could burn your hand with the coffee. I'll go join Sasoku now...

Kyorusa: So, do you think he'll accept me as your girlfriend?

Kinzu: No, I think he'll just go throw up.

Sheshruke: Well, I'm Sheshruke. Pleased to meet you. (Holds out joy buzzer)

Kyorusa: (grabs joy buzzer and throws it at Sheshruke)

Sheshruke: Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee(gasp)eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! I got tazed!

Kyorusa: I'm not stupid you know. You, on the other hand, are.

Nightshade: Um, right. I'm good now. That stainless steel cup helped more than I thought. Join us next time if you value your life.

**Nightshade's Corner**

Nightshade: Special thanks to Sheshruke and Kinzu for the inspiration. The next chapter has a very interesting twist that will surprise all of you. Cliff hanger!


	3. Nightshade's Girlfriend!

**Match Making Mayhem**

Nightshade: Well, after we all figured out Kinzu now has a girlfriend, we can go back to work. Sasoku's out of the hospital and we're ready to give some people a major case of heart break. Next is...um...Tsugi? Um, so what's your problem?

Tsugi: I can't seem to find a match. I think it's because of how violent I am...

Nightshade: Ok then. Well, have you tried anger manag- George Bush! (Nightshade and Tsugi both whip out flame throwers)

Both: Die.

Bush: I declare war! War!!!

Nightshade: We'll see if you can declare war with your arms burned off.

Bush: Ack! (Burned to little dust heap) Curse you democrats!

Nightshade: Where were we? Ah yes. You can't find a match because of your temper?

Tsugi: Well, I just don't think there's anyone good enough for me.

Nightshade: I think your hallucinating. Is there a reason your so violent?

Tsugi: No, I keep a level head most of the- pervert! (Points at Jiraya and pulls out foldable pocket machine gun)

Both: Get lost jerk!

Nightshade: (throws grenade)

Tsugi: (shoots gun)

BIG BOOM.

Nightshade: Were did you get that machine gun? I have one just like it...

Tsugi: (winks) I stole it from your room.

Nightshade: I like your style.

Tsugi: We seem to have a lot in common. Maybe-

Nightshade: Uh oh. Evil calamari. (Whips out knife and cooking hat) Seafood is on the menu! (Chops calamari)

Kinzu: OMG. That's gotta be the fastest seafood dinner ever cooked.

Tsugi: I love seafood. (Eats calamari in five seconds)

Kinzu: 0o That's...the fastest I've ever seen anybody eat anything...

Sheshruke: Not true! I once swallowed a melon in 2 seconds!

Nightshade: I didn't need to hear that...

Tsugi: Well, more about my problem. Do you have any suggestions?

Nightshade: Maybe you could...mutant bonsai potatoes at four o'clock.

Sheshruke: (looks at watch) It's only 2:30!

Both Nightshade and Tsugi: Eat this. (Throw microwaves at potatoes)

Huge Explosion.

Both: You know, I think I like you.

Kinzu: Did...did he just say...?

Sheshruke: I'll have to commit suicide now. (Falls to the floor limply)

Sasoku: I never knew Nightshade even had feelings at all. I assumed he came from Mars.

Nightshade: Shut up. Looks like our gang just keeps getting bigger. Now then, let's move on to our next hopeless loser. Hinata, what's your problem now?

Hinata: Well, I tried ignoring Naruto but it isn't working. I can barely restrain myself from blushing when I see him...

Nightshade: My only advice to you is to just tell him.

Hinata: O-ok...I'll try...

Naruto: Hey Hina-

Hinata: NARUTO-KUN, I LIKE YOU!!! (faints)

Nightshade: Was that so hard?

Naruto: Wow Hinata...I had no idea...

Tsugi: What an idiot.

Nightshade: I know, right? Dumb ass.

Kyorusa: You two have lots in common. So, when's the wedding?

Nightshade: (giant pulsating head) There will be...NO...WEDDING!

Kyorusa: Just you wait...

Nightshade: What a...stupid...ugh.

Kinzu: Pwnage.

Tsugi: Don't annoy him. If he really is just like me, then he can get ticked off easily.

Sasoku: Oh yeah...I remember this one time, when-(crushed by coffeequick machine) Oh no! It's back! Yiiiiiiiiiii! (Runs around with machine chasing him)

Nightshade: You know, I think we could all use a break. Let's go walk in the park or something.

Kinzu: Sounds romant-

Nightshade: STFU. (Whacks Kinzu's head)

Kinzu: Ouch. I'm gonna feel that in the morning.

In the park...

Nightshade: Ahhh...what a dismal day. I love watching the terror on little kid's faces when I explode their jungle gyms...(snaps fingers causing a huge explosion) What a great day.

Sasoku: What the...give me back my coffee you stupid jerk! (Chases little kid)

Kid: Nooooooo! Mommy!!!!

Tsugi: Nightshade-kun?

Nightshade: What?

Tsugi: I think that kid over there needs some terrorizing.

Kid: (dancing in a field of flowers) Lalalalalala!!! I love my life...

Nightshade: Shall we?

Tsugi: Sounds good to me.

A few ebil minutes later...

Kid: (tied to tree from tire swing) Waaaaaah!

Nightshade: Breaks over. Let's go!

Inside...

Nightshade: Next up is Gaara. What is your problem now?

Gaara: I have this attraction to my teddy bear. But she...(sniffles)...doesn't like me...

Nightshade: Okaaaaaaay... maybe you should take this to a therapist...

Gaara: Good idea! I love pandaz...(drools)

Temari: Gaara! (Smacks Gaara) Snap out of it!

Gaara: I will kill you all. Sand Coffin! (Loads of sand come out gourd)

Nightshade: Ha! (Shoves cork in Gaara's gourd)

Gaara: What the...?

Tsugi: (kicks Gaara's sand armor)

Gaara: I will kill you all...someday...somehow...probably at the turn of the century...

Temari: Please excuse us. (Drags Gaara away)

Nightshade: I hate this job. This place is getting crowded.

Sasoku: I think it was easier when it was just us ruining people's lives.

Kyorusa: Well now it's all of us. Deal with it.

Sasoku: Next up to the chopping board is...oh no...it's returned! (Runs away from coffeequick machine) Have mercy!

Nightshade: sigh...

Shino: I will now recite a song dedicated to my bug friends. Johny boy...Johny boy!

Everyone: Shut up.

Sasoku: Not in the-yeow!

Coffeequick: All your base are belong to us.

Sheshruke: More plagiarism! You people are asking for a law suit!

Nightshade: Now that's over, let's get on with the show. Next we have the Hokage, Tsunade.

Tsunade: Let's cut to the chase. I want to find a strong man. Someone who will appreciate me.

Nightshade: You seriously do have problems.

Tsunade: I also want man who likes my body.

Jiriya: Right here baby!

Nightshade: Sasoku, do away with him.

Sasoku: (looks like a mangled cat) Yeah...sure... (throws rock at Jiriya) Take that...

Nightshade: I think it's time to turn in for the night. I'm really tiered... so is everyone else by the looks of it. See you next time.

**Nightshade's Corner**

Nightshade: Bet you didn't expect that, huh? Well, this isn't a romance story, so don't expect anything like that. Next chapter will be more on the funny side. I promise. See yuz! (Poofs into thin air and reappears in trash can 2 feet away) I gotta work on my dynamic exit...


End file.
